April 25, 2009 just might be the turning point in my life, or at least one of them. I have had a few in the past several months and I can only say they are making a better person of me. When I signed up to volunteer at this race, I not only wanted to help the runners and the event organizers, I wanted to learn about ultrarunning. I wanted to know if this was something I wanted to pursue. I have always run, just not very far. Running was just an escape, a time to think and solve problems. I never desired to run a marathon as my visual of such a race is a bunch of skinny, half naked, crazy, obsessed, competitive idiots running in a bunched up pack on pavement on a hot, steamy day in the middle of a smog filled city. Not exactly something that peaked my interest. I liked the solitude of running country dirt roads on a cold crisp morning.
Then I discovered trail running which led me to the Kansas City Trail Nerds. I joined the group and lurked on the website, reading the posts. Mother's Day 2008 was my first venture out on a group run with the nerds. Needless to say, I was intrigued. Gary and Coleen hung back with me on the run. Running trails was absolutely enjoyable and the people were so nice and helpful. I knew nothing about ultrarunning but what I did know is that it did not sound like something I could do. Afterall I was 39 and I had knee issues. Little did I know that most ultrarunners are older runners and my knee was just an excuse.
So there I was trying to help as much as I could and trying to keep the kiddos occupied and out of the way. They did pretty good with a few mishaps. I mostly filled water bottles and tried to keep food stocked as best I could. The other volunteers were much better at keeping with the game plan. Having the kids there was more difficult than I had imagined, although I am not sure what I expected. I enjoyed seeing my fellow running friends finish their races and come in for food and drink only to head out again. Liz, Lisa, Levi, MK, Kim all finished the marathon in fine fashion. It was great to see Christy, Debbie and Laurie finish their first 40 miler with the highlight being Christy's smile when she finished. She looked great. Debbie and Laurie looked like they had definitely pushed themselves. Jim put in a fine performance as did Nick. Coleen never looked like she was bothered much each time she came in as she was running the 100K. She's so spunky. Gary looked as though he was doing very good each time in as well.
Seeing my friends, acquaintences and others there, running and battling issues was a learning experience for me. It has inspired me and sparked something inside to aspire to greater things. I realized at this race that I don't really push myself like these people do. Push to and through pain, push to fatigued legs and nausea, push beyond anything you could ever imagine yourself doing and then go a little bit more, a little bit farther, a little bit harder. It is time for me to rise up and do it. I face some adversity but I think everyone does. No one's story is the same but none the less, we all have a story. So what's mine? Well, if you really want to know read on, if not, please stop and move on to bigger and better things. Now is your chance to bail, otherwise, I will suck you in to my life.
I have struggled through many of life's obstacles. I believe there is nothing in life more powerful than adversity to make us better and I believe all things do happen for a reason. The reasons are not always evident but usually there is some sort of growing inside that must take place before we can really say, "Ah yes, now I know why." It is the sruggle through adveristy that makes us better and that struggle many times is done alone. Maybe someone is by our side but the battle must be won by our own determination, will power, strength and endurance. We must perservere. Working at the race made me see my friends come out of the forest after fighting the battle. I can help them as much as I can at the aid station and fellow runners can help them get through tough spots on the trail but it is each one of them that fights through it to get to the finish and to achieve such greatness. To say, "Yes I did do that?"
My challenges to fight through cannot really be any different than most but let me share. I suppose it really began with the death of my mother. March 20, 2001 I had just finished a measley little 3 mile run and was doing some stretching when the phone rang. To make it short, my mother had had a heart attack while on a visit in Ohio to see my ailing grandmother, who had died the day before while my parents were enroute to see her. My mother was in ICU and the picture was bleak. This was totally unexpected. She was 64 and very health conscious. My life was suddenly upside down.
There are four of us siblings and we had all made arrangements to fly to Ohio the next day. I was the first to arrive and my husband came with me. My aunt prepared me for what I was about to see as I approached the ICU unit. I went in and my husband and father went to the waiting room. Next to arrive was my brother. He is a tall, strong and intelligent individual but when he saw my mother he collasped on me and I had to use all my strength just to keep him and I from falling to the floor. Here was this woman who never showed a sign a weakness, who held the family together and never complained, lying on her death bed with tubes everywhere. My other two sisters arrived later in the day. The week ahead was an experience that I wish no one ever has to go through. What to do and not to do decisions to be made by emotionally distrought individuals, whom until this point, I thought were a normal functioning family. All the while, my mother was kept alive by machines. For some unknown reason, before I left home, I pulled out my copy of my mother's living will and brought it along. It was a smart decision as we used it more for our own peace of mind in making the decisions we had to make. The week was long and the sleepless nights combined with the bleakness of our situation left a non-desireable memory entrenched in my mind. Soon it was evident of what had to be done. Being the youngest of four I found myself suddenly in a place of the decision maker. I found myself being the voice of reason and they not only listened to me, they trusted me.
All life support was removed and my mother was moved to hospice. My husband had left mid week to go back home. It was better that way as he wasn't much support to me. It was early on Tuesday, March 27, 2001, that my mother peacefully passed away. The snow was falling outside her window as she lay in the hospital's hospce unit. The day was cold and gloomy. My two sisters and I stood by her bedside as she took her last breath. My brother and father waited in the waiting room. I believe in my heart that women are extraordinarily strong. Most people remember 2001 as the year we lost a lot of American lives, but for me it was the year I lost my mother. With her last breath came an immediate responsibility for my father. We knew he drank but we never knew how much nor did any of us know the problems and stress he placed upon my mother.
Over the course of the next 6 years, I struggled with what to do with my father. I struggled too with the death of my mother and allowing myself to go through the grieving process. I was trying and at one point, my husband looked at me and told me I just needed to get over it. He failed to support me emotionally during that time. I was left to deal with my father and his alcohol issues. Two siblings lived out of state and one sibling couldn't handle it. Matt made himself sparse every time I had to deal with my dad. There were car wrecks, hospital visits, treatment facilities, police issues, evictions, multiple movings and a short time living with me. There were calls at all hours of the night. There were money issues and many issues I care not to discuss. Let's just say that it is something I think about every time I have a drink. In December 2007, I really feel like I found a good place for him and he is still there and doing well. Well, as good as can be expected. Visiting him is sad as there is not much to converse about as he has lost his memory. He is stable though.
In the meantime, I gave birth to two beautiful little girls on July 24, 2003 and February 17, 2005. They say children change your life and they certainly are right about that. There are good times, bad times, sad times and happy times. Chilren make you cry when you want to laugh and laugh when you want to cry. I certainly wouldn't want to be without them though. The majority of the time my soon to be ex-husband was non supportive to me and the children. He was absent most of the time and did not want to participate in the family life. Hell, we all know there are a lot of times we wish we didn't have to do many of the things that we have to do. The only problem was is that he never did those things. Nobody wakes up early in the morning eagar to change a poopy diaper but we do it out of love, responsibility and necessity. Sometimes we grow to treasure many of the moments we thought we would dread while other times we grow to realize that its just not that bad. Get over and do what yo gotta do. Unfortunately, he never got to that point.
That's it for now. Time to end this post but believe me, it is far from over.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Psycho Wyco - February 14, 2009
5:00am on a Saturday morning and my alarm tells me it is time to get out of my nice warm bed to go run something they call Psycho Wyco. Mmmmm, kinda makes me question my sanity but at least I am not alone as there are at least 250 others doing the same thing. So I bound out of bed (yeah right) and hit the shower. There's nothing better than a hot shower and hot coffee to get the day started!
Once there, checking into the race proved to be a frigid experience to say the least. I was freezing and I still had a layer to strip off before the start of the race. So there I was amongst all those crazy ass people getting ready to run through the woods when it was cold as hell. Okay, so hell is not cold but you get the point. I see familiar faces like Debbie, Coleen #1, Colleen #2 and Christy who all inspire me to even be there. The friendliness and great attitudes of the Kansas City Trail Nerds warm me right up and I start to anticipate the start of the race, mostly because I want to get the blood flowing.
I started slow with the ones who claim the status of "the turtles." I felt like I fit right in and like a bit of a wimp as I was only running 10 miles, which to my non running friends is, "WOW, that's crazy. I can't even run to the mail box." But to this select group it's like, "Why waste your time and money on 10 miles." Well let me tell you, it is what it is and some of us are just at that point. I do aspire to run a 50K someday and who knows where that'll take me. I am in AH of those who do run farther and just being around them and watching them totally inspires me.
I found myself running along the trail with another who was running pretty much my pace so I struck up a conversation with Greg. From that point on, we pretty much ran together through out the race. We came upon what is referred to as "the dreaded triangle." Weaving in and out, back and forth and over the tree branches was quit invigorating and kinda put a kick in my step and I found that little kid inside this soon to be 40 year old body. Coming out of the triangle, I felt good and strong but that soon faded as we headed on through the woods.
Greg and I talked for awhile and the miles seemed to go quite quickly and then Colleen caught up to us and we all ran together for awhile. It was during this phase that I fell down and of course, my first thought as I was going down was "Not the shoulder!" I was envisoining yet another dislocation of my shoulder. The shoulder survived as I just landed flat on my ass. The fall slowed me down even further as the trail was still frozen throughout this part. I slipped alot but kept upright for the remainder of the race. It was a little scary as I found myself downhill from Greg a few times and hearing the slipping of his feet. If he goes down, so do I, but he kept upright for most of the race as well.
I felt good going through the 2nd aid station and on to more slickery trail spots. Towards the end, the trail began to thaw a little and mud began to form and the splattering began. We made our way up to the third aid station where there was music and more yummy food, I stopped briefly for pringles and M&M's. I wanted to keep going though as I was only running 10 miles and didn't want to really stop. I was off towards the finish and Greg was still with me and he informed me we were getting ready to run up three hills. This was my very first time running at Wyandotte County Park so it was all new to me. It makes it more of an adventure and that is just kinda what trips my trigger. The first hill seemed a bit steep but it was doable and the second wasn't bad but then came the third and they called it the second hill. What? I am not so sure about the math here but I could have sworn this was the third hill. But what do I care and why would one really argue over a mute point. It was a doozy or else I was just a wimp, which really could be the case as I have a long way to go if I ever want to run a 50K. And then there was another hill!
I climbed the last hill and finished strong as that was not hard as it was all downhill from that point. I was proud to earn my little dogtag as I will keep it as a reminder that we all have to start somewhere, right? I made it in for some post race goodies including some awesome black bean soup that Vicki provided. Everyone at the race was extremely nice and accomadating from all the volunteers to all the runners and the dogs.
Once I was done I went with Debbie, Debbie and Julie up to the third aid station to help out. I had a great time putting faces to the names and watching all the work that goes into putting on a race and all the work that goes into running 20 miles and a 50K. Everyone looked as though they were having a great time. I was even offered a beer by Shane who doesn't even know me. Thanks Shane! What better way to spend a Valentine's Saturday afternoon than drinking beer, listening to Air Supply and watching all those muddy runners work their asses off. James also provided some awesome soups and yes, I sampled them both. The celery had a different taste though, hmmmmmmmmmm?
I was tettering on trying to help out and trying to stay out of the way. I hope I did something useful there and thanks to Debbie, who is an awesome person whom I loved hanging out with who also gave me a beer. I hope to return the favor of helping out in some races this year and push myself to greater distances and greater things. It really did inspire me more just to be involved in this race.
I made my way home where after a hot shower and some pizza I tried to ice my knees and drink a glass of wine. My kids had other ideas in store so we played instead. After they were in bed I settled in to watch MASH reruns and finally drink my glass of wine. At least I am not a whiner but I am a winer. Just then the black bean soup started to RAWR! Oh yeah, what a great day.
Once there, checking into the race proved to be a frigid experience to say the least. I was freezing and I still had a layer to strip off before the start of the race. So there I was amongst all those crazy ass people getting ready to run through the woods when it was cold as hell. Okay, so hell is not cold but you get the point. I see familiar faces like Debbie, Coleen #1, Colleen #2 and Christy who all inspire me to even be there. The friendliness and great attitudes of the Kansas City Trail Nerds warm me right up and I start to anticipate the start of the race, mostly because I want to get the blood flowing.
I started slow with the ones who claim the status of "the turtles." I felt like I fit right in and like a bit of a wimp as I was only running 10 miles, which to my non running friends is, "WOW, that's crazy. I can't even run to the mail box." But to this select group it's like, "Why waste your time and money on 10 miles." Well let me tell you, it is what it is and some of us are just at that point. I do aspire to run a 50K someday and who knows where that'll take me. I am in AH of those who do run farther and just being around them and watching them totally inspires me.
I found myself running along the trail with another who was running pretty much my pace so I struck up a conversation with Greg. From that point on, we pretty much ran together through out the race. We came upon what is referred to as "the dreaded triangle." Weaving in and out, back and forth and over the tree branches was quit invigorating and kinda put a kick in my step and I found that little kid inside this soon to be 40 year old body. Coming out of the triangle, I felt good and strong but that soon faded as we headed on through the woods.
Greg and I talked for awhile and the miles seemed to go quite quickly and then Colleen caught up to us and we all ran together for awhile. It was during this phase that I fell down and of course, my first thought as I was going down was "Not the shoulder!" I was envisoining yet another dislocation of my shoulder. The shoulder survived as I just landed flat on my ass. The fall slowed me down even further as the trail was still frozen throughout this part. I slipped alot but kept upright for the remainder of the race. It was a little scary as I found myself downhill from Greg a few times and hearing the slipping of his feet. If he goes down, so do I, but he kept upright for most of the race as well.
I felt good going through the 2nd aid station and on to more slickery trail spots. Towards the end, the trail began to thaw a little and mud began to form and the splattering began. We made our way up to the third aid station where there was music and more yummy food, I stopped briefly for pringles and M&M's. I wanted to keep going though as I was only running 10 miles and didn't want to really stop. I was off towards the finish and Greg was still with me and he informed me we were getting ready to run up three hills. This was my very first time running at Wyandotte County Park so it was all new to me. It makes it more of an adventure and that is just kinda what trips my trigger. The first hill seemed a bit steep but it was doable and the second wasn't bad but then came the third and they called it the second hill. What? I am not so sure about the math here but I could have sworn this was the third hill. But what do I care and why would one really argue over a mute point. It was a doozy or else I was just a wimp, which really could be the case as I have a long way to go if I ever want to run a 50K. And then there was another hill!
I climbed the last hill and finished strong as that was not hard as it was all downhill from that point. I was proud to earn my little dogtag as I will keep it as a reminder that we all have to start somewhere, right? I made it in for some post race goodies including some awesome black bean soup that Vicki provided. Everyone at the race was extremely nice and accomadating from all the volunteers to all the runners and the dogs.
Once I was done I went with Debbie, Debbie and Julie up to the third aid station to help out. I had a great time putting faces to the names and watching all the work that goes into putting on a race and all the work that goes into running 20 miles and a 50K. Everyone looked as though they were having a great time. I was even offered a beer by Shane who doesn't even know me. Thanks Shane! What better way to spend a Valentine's Saturday afternoon than drinking beer, listening to Air Supply and watching all those muddy runners work their asses off. James also provided some awesome soups and yes, I sampled them both. The celery had a different taste though, hmmmmmmmmmm?
I was tettering on trying to help out and trying to stay out of the way. I hope I did something useful there and thanks to Debbie, who is an awesome person whom I loved hanging out with who also gave me a beer. I hope to return the favor of helping out in some races this year and push myself to greater distances and greater things. It really did inspire me more just to be involved in this race.
I made my way home where after a hot shower and some pizza I tried to ice my knees and drink a glass of wine. My kids had other ideas in store so we played instead. After they were in bed I settled in to watch MASH reruns and finally drink my glass of wine. At least I am not a whiner but I am a winer. Just then the black bean soup started to RAWR! Oh yeah, what a great day.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I met up with the group for a Saturday morning run on January 3, 2009. I knew I was not up to the 20 miles they were going to run but I desparately needed to run and to connect to the outside world. I like to call the group trail runs "Trail Therapy". I was anticipating a nice run on the trails and the commaraderie of the group. I knew I was slow and they talked about running slow so I thought I would be fine until the turn around. I started last and kept up for a few miles but quickly realized their pace was faster than I was prepared for and so I dropped back into my slower pace. They checked on me a couple of times but I told them I was fine and going to turn around soon. They dissappeared into the cold woods, laughing and talking. I settled down into my thoughts.
I feel good now in my own turtle of a pace, no conversation to concentrate on or participate in. I thought that was why I came out but I think I needed the isolated trail run today, a different kind of trail therapy, I guess. The trails were colorless and lifeless like one would expect in January. There was a coldness and a dampness to the air. There wasn't much to the smell in the air, just a dormant woodsiness. There were sounds of far away traffic and the rustle of small animals scittering around in the underbrush. I felt dead inside and the tightness in my chest wrenched at my soul.
I began to think about how my life was upside down now. So many qustions and so much work lies ahead for me now. I am not against work but concentrating on the tasks that lie ahead become so overwhelming that just getting through somehow become difficult. Running is my therapy just like it is to so many of us. For those of you who just don't get why we run, there is an inner peace that helps us overcome the adversities that life throws at us. Maybe it is why I have remained sane and strong through so many of the rough times in my life and there have been a few. I am alone now on the trail and I start to feel better. Running helps a lot.
The tears roll down my cheeks and the pain inside me subsides a little bit. I focus on me and what I want. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. Society somehow finds a way to dictate our choices in life. The mental barriers become too much for me now as my slow run fades into a walk. I am struggling with the run just like I am struggling in life. The trail twists and winds and the mud is thick and sloppy. My feet slide around under me and I struggle to keep balance on the muddy slant of the trail.
I begin to make the analogies again between trail running and life. I see now that sometimes we get lost on the trails as I have done in the past. Sometimes we run the same loop a few times before we realize we are going in circles and not advancing towards our destination. Sometimes we take a wrong turn or a wrong trail and run for awhile before we realize we have gotten off track and on to some tangant that leads us in a different direction than our destination. Sometimes the trails become so undestinguishable that we lose sight of where they are and wonder off. The thorny bushes scratch the skin on our legs and the brush can get thick at times. We struggle just to get through it and once we do we then have to find our way back to the trail.
I have found myself alone on the trail but I knda like it. I love the group runs but sometimes there is a sense of self when you run alone. I'm back on the trail and fighting to finish the run.
I feel good now in my own turtle of a pace, no conversation to concentrate on or participate in. I thought that was why I came out but I think I needed the isolated trail run today, a different kind of trail therapy, I guess. The trails were colorless and lifeless like one would expect in January. There was a coldness and a dampness to the air. There wasn't much to the smell in the air, just a dormant woodsiness. There were sounds of far away traffic and the rustle of small animals scittering around in the underbrush. I felt dead inside and the tightness in my chest wrenched at my soul.
I began to think about how my life was upside down now. So many qustions and so much work lies ahead for me now. I am not against work but concentrating on the tasks that lie ahead become so overwhelming that just getting through somehow become difficult. Running is my therapy just like it is to so many of us. For those of you who just don't get why we run, there is an inner peace that helps us overcome the adversities that life throws at us. Maybe it is why I have remained sane and strong through so many of the rough times in my life and there have been a few. I am alone now on the trail and I start to feel better. Running helps a lot.
The tears roll down my cheeks and the pain inside me subsides a little bit. I focus on me and what I want. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. Society somehow finds a way to dictate our choices in life. The mental barriers become too much for me now as my slow run fades into a walk. I am struggling with the run just like I am struggling in life. The trail twists and winds and the mud is thick and sloppy. My feet slide around under me and I struggle to keep balance on the muddy slant of the trail.
I begin to make the analogies again between trail running and life. I see now that sometimes we get lost on the trails as I have done in the past. Sometimes we run the same loop a few times before we realize we are going in circles and not advancing towards our destination. Sometimes we take a wrong turn or a wrong trail and run for awhile before we realize we have gotten off track and on to some tangant that leads us in a different direction than our destination. Sometimes the trails become so undestinguishable that we lose sight of where they are and wonder off. The thorny bushes scratch the skin on our legs and the brush can get thick at times. We struggle just to get through it and once we do we then have to find our way back to the trail.
I have found myself alone on the trail but I knda like it. I love the group runs but sometimes there is a sense of self when you run alone. I'm back on the trail and fighting to finish the run.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The beginning of the end
When I started this blog, my intentions were to write about my trail running experiences. I also intended to blog a lot more often. Today's blog has everything to do with running and trail running and its relevence to my life. Today was the first empowering run I have had since that day. December 7, 2008 was the day I felt like a battleship sitting in Pearl Harbor, protecting the home front. The bullets peirced my skin and the bombs wounded me. The wounds are deep and the flesh is exposed. Unfortunately this is just the beginning of the end. What end? I don't know that yet. In retrospect, I should have seen the coming of the battle I was about to enter. The red flags were there but I could not see them. Maybe it was the fog or the sun or my own color blindness that clouded my vision.
I have continued to run since that day but it just hasn't felt good. Running in and of itself is empowering and even though my runs haven't been the best, they have been important in helping to build my strength. I have not run with the Kansas City Trail Nerds in quit awhile, even though I long for the trail therapy. Today I ran with my dogs on a winding, dirt, country road. The sun was shining down on me and the cold brisk air was refreshing and invigorating. My thoughts became clearer with what lies ahead for me now. They always do when I run but they get clouded every night.
While I am still pretty new to the trail running, it has analogies similar to life. We start at the trail head and enter the system with great expectations, high hopes and elevated spirits. We begin as a group, sometimes big, sometimes small. The scenery is beautiful and the conversations are great. We know what happens on the trail stays on the trail, most of the time. We exchange thoughts, feelings, bad jokes, good jokes and stupid comments throughout the journey. Before we know it we have run several miles and we begin to feel a bit drained. It is a good thing for Gu or whatever our fortay is that we have conveniently stuck in a pocket. Conversations shift, some people run ahead and some drop off the pace a little but we are all still connected by the trails that curve, loop, weave and fork into the deep dark woods and grassy terrain.
The trails are filled with rocks, ruts, roots, snakes, other animals and just about anything you could imagine. Somewhere along the way we stumble. Sometimes we fall flat on our faces in complete and utter disbelief and other times we can catch ourselves or someone else if we are close enough. Learning to fall becomes important but more important is getting up after the fall. We realize it is vital to our being to risk falling everytime we strap up the tenny runners than not to run at all. Trail running is addictive. We connect to the freedom to get away from life as we know it. There is a comraderie that exists on the trails and a feeling inside that is undescribeable. There is an unexplainable closeness to otherwise strangers in our lives.
The seasons change and with each change comes new obstacles and barriers to trail running. The trails can and do become muddy, leaf covered, snow covered, icey slick, dry dirt hard and loose rocks shift regularly under our feet. Sometimes broken branches and fallen trees block the trail. However, we learn how to deal with the changes and the barriers through our experienced friends' advice and through our own misfortunes and successes.
If I think I can't do it, I won't, but I know if I believe I can the group will help me keep going. Oh I know I have to do the work and I wouldn't want it any other way. Sometimes when we run we encounter hills and valleys. The hills make us strong and somehow we find the strength to keep climbing. The valleys provide us with energy to conquer whatever lies ahead. There are times we have to slow down to a walk in order to recover from some unknown physical or mental barrier we have encountered. Our friends along the way help us through it and we in turn help them when they are struggling. We all encounter the barriers but we can all be thankful we don't all encounter barriers at the same time. There are also times along the way we must pause a moment to see, hear, feel, smell and taste. We ask ourselves is this as good as it gets? (Thanks Kimberly Hoffman for that insight.)
Sometimes we put ourselves to the test and run in the competitions. We test our strength, our endurance and our mental toughness. Sometimes we win. What do we win? That is completely up to the individual goals we each have for the race. Some or us just want to finish. Some of us want to run a PR for the course. Some of us want to run farther than we have ever run before. We all run to be a part of something bigger and better than our everyday lives give us. And, of course, there are the ones who really win the races. Congrats to them and their achievements. There are some of us who don't always finish but we are still winners as long as we gain something in the experience. We gain strength and insight to return to run a more glorious race next time. Somewhere we know we encountered a barrier that kept us from finishing. We all have to find ways to get over or around or through the barriers. Otherwise we die a little inside. Our goals are all different and they change for each event and throughout our lives, but as long as we keep those goals in sight and in our hearts, we will succeed.
Soon we finish the run and look forward to the return of the next run. We come out of the woods and into the wide openess of the trail head where we began. Sometimes we part ways until next time and other times we go hangout for more time together. The experience is rewarding and powerful even if we struggled through it. It is the struggles that make us stronger and we know in our heart that it will feel better next time and that is why we return. If the run felt great, well, then of course you know why we return next time.
I used to run to be the best and the fastest. I always failed. Now I run for pure enjoyment and I always win. I love my new found trail running frends, the nerds, and soon my wounds will be healing from the attack and the battleship will be stronger than ever. I am thankful that at least I didn't sink to the bottom. All my pieces are floating around in the water, but my core is still in tact. While this post today is about my new found love of trail running and my current crisis and obstacles, I think you could agree that trail running relates to life. Someday, when I am ready, I will reveal what wounded me but for now I have to build my strength and keep on runnin'.
I have continued to run since that day but it just hasn't felt good. Running in and of itself is empowering and even though my runs haven't been the best, they have been important in helping to build my strength. I have not run with the Kansas City Trail Nerds in quit awhile, even though I long for the trail therapy. Today I ran with my dogs on a winding, dirt, country road. The sun was shining down on me and the cold brisk air was refreshing and invigorating. My thoughts became clearer with what lies ahead for me now. They always do when I run but they get clouded every night.
While I am still pretty new to the trail running, it has analogies similar to life. We start at the trail head and enter the system with great expectations, high hopes and elevated spirits. We begin as a group, sometimes big, sometimes small. The scenery is beautiful and the conversations are great. We know what happens on the trail stays on the trail, most of the time. We exchange thoughts, feelings, bad jokes, good jokes and stupid comments throughout the journey. Before we know it we have run several miles and we begin to feel a bit drained. It is a good thing for Gu or whatever our fortay is that we have conveniently stuck in a pocket. Conversations shift, some people run ahead and some drop off the pace a little but we are all still connected by the trails that curve, loop, weave and fork into the deep dark woods and grassy terrain.
The trails are filled with rocks, ruts, roots, snakes, other animals and just about anything you could imagine. Somewhere along the way we stumble. Sometimes we fall flat on our faces in complete and utter disbelief and other times we can catch ourselves or someone else if we are close enough. Learning to fall becomes important but more important is getting up after the fall. We realize it is vital to our being to risk falling everytime we strap up the tenny runners than not to run at all. Trail running is addictive. We connect to the freedom to get away from life as we know it. There is a comraderie that exists on the trails and a feeling inside that is undescribeable. There is an unexplainable closeness to otherwise strangers in our lives.
The seasons change and with each change comes new obstacles and barriers to trail running. The trails can and do become muddy, leaf covered, snow covered, icey slick, dry dirt hard and loose rocks shift regularly under our feet. Sometimes broken branches and fallen trees block the trail. However, we learn how to deal with the changes and the barriers through our experienced friends' advice and through our own misfortunes and successes.
If I think I can't do it, I won't, but I know if I believe I can the group will help me keep going. Oh I know I have to do the work and I wouldn't want it any other way. Sometimes when we run we encounter hills and valleys. The hills make us strong and somehow we find the strength to keep climbing. The valleys provide us with energy to conquer whatever lies ahead. There are times we have to slow down to a walk in order to recover from some unknown physical or mental barrier we have encountered. Our friends along the way help us through it and we in turn help them when they are struggling. We all encounter the barriers but we can all be thankful we don't all encounter barriers at the same time. There are also times along the way we must pause a moment to see, hear, feel, smell and taste. We ask ourselves is this as good as it gets? (Thanks Kimberly Hoffman for that insight.)
Sometimes we put ourselves to the test and run in the competitions. We test our strength, our endurance and our mental toughness. Sometimes we win. What do we win? That is completely up to the individual goals we each have for the race. Some or us just want to finish. Some of us want to run a PR for the course. Some of us want to run farther than we have ever run before. We all run to be a part of something bigger and better than our everyday lives give us. And, of course, there are the ones who really win the races. Congrats to them and their achievements. There are some of us who don't always finish but we are still winners as long as we gain something in the experience. We gain strength and insight to return to run a more glorious race next time. Somewhere we know we encountered a barrier that kept us from finishing. We all have to find ways to get over or around or through the barriers. Otherwise we die a little inside. Our goals are all different and they change for each event and throughout our lives, but as long as we keep those goals in sight and in our hearts, we will succeed.
Soon we finish the run and look forward to the return of the next run. We come out of the woods and into the wide openess of the trail head where we began. Sometimes we part ways until next time and other times we go hangout for more time together. The experience is rewarding and powerful even if we struggled through it. It is the struggles that make us stronger and we know in our heart that it will feel better next time and that is why we return. If the run felt great, well, then of course you know why we return next time.
I used to run to be the best and the fastest. I always failed. Now I run for pure enjoyment and I always win. I love my new found trail running frends, the nerds, and soon my wounds will be healing from the attack and the battleship will be stronger than ever. I am thankful that at least I didn't sink to the bottom. All my pieces are floating around in the water, but my core is still in tact. While this post today is about my new found love of trail running and my current crisis and obstacles, I think you could agree that trail running relates to life. Someday, when I am ready, I will reveal what wounded me but for now I have to build my strength and keep on runnin'.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Fall Fell Trail Run
Up before dawn and out the door with coffee in hand and running necesseties in my bag. I met up with Sophia, Hunter and Fritz for a carpool to the race. On the way there, I realized I was not with a group of casual runners. These are serious runners! As I checked in, there was a chill in the air and the brisk breeze added an exclamation point. I handed in my registration form and eight dollars and recieved bib #13. Mmmmmmmmmmm, I thought. I am running in a race at a place they Kill Creek, wearing #13 and running with a group that claims they bury whiners in shallow graves. And it is two weeks before Halloween. Ewe, kinda creepy.
Out of the gate, I fall back quickly as usual. I watched the others dissappear quite methodically. I have been a competitor all my life in sports such as volleyball, basketball, track and softball. I used to get so damn nervous before games and races that I couldn't eat for an entire day. I used to expect more out of myself than anyone dare to know. That lead me to always performing sub-par. My life now is hectic and stressful with 2 children, 3 dogs, a 25 acre plot of land, an ailing father and 3 businesses to work and manage. I lost my mother 7 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wish she were here to see the baby of the family taking on so much responsibility.
Once again I felt alone with most of the pack ahead of me and a few behind me. I came to the first error in ways and went left when they clearly stated go right. I did stop and ponder a second as Karen, her son and another caught up with me. Not sure why we went left but I was in the lead and they followed. A little ways further and I realized we were running the same damn trail. To me it was no big deal but I felt bad for the ones who followed me. I kinda felt like "Wrong Way Ralph". The extra miles were nice on such a beautiful course on a georgous day.
We ran as a group for awhile and then I am not sure what happened but I fell back from them. Through the creek and out onto the second loop. Here I was again, running alone and falling back into my thoughts. I am not here to win or break any PR. No, not this year, maybe next. I am here because I enjoy the run, the scenery, the people and life. I am here for my children. I am their greatest mentor and my goal is to lead by example. I have attempted the world of soccer, t-ball and basketball with my 3 & 5 year old daughters. I failed miserably as a "soccer mom". I realized that successful, happy people are passionate about what they do and you cannot teach passion. There is plenty of time for my kids to get involved in sports and other activities when they so desire. In the meantime, I want them to see me pursuing my passions while still making plenty of time for them. I want them to see the happiness that following my passions brings to me.
Okay, so enough about that. Here I was feeling like I was in last place and not hearing or seeing anyone else made me remember my #13 and running in a place called Kill Creek. "Hey, Mary Ann!" I looked up to see Karen and her son just as Gary Henry caught up to me. What the heck? Why is he behind me? I met him awhile back when I was on my way out. He was apparently a little confused to come up on me. He ran this loop twice, I guess. He passed me and off into the woods he dissappeared. As I crossed the creek on the way back, I was greeted by Kyle who told me where to go. I felt good now and stepped it up a notch so I could finish strong. Only one problem, I missed the hard right turn and sped on through the woods going the wrong way. "Mary Ann!" I stopped as Karen hollered at me to come back. Thanks to her, I turned around and followed her for awhile. That burst of energy that was to carry me into the finish seemed to have depleted. I am sure it was a mental thing.
I finished none the less but with a longer time than my Sandrat Trail Run. Oops! But I still beat Gary. Not sure how, but I am guessing he didn't have someone like Karen to stop him from running on out to the first loop again. Trail running is new to me as is distance running. I will get better, stronger, faster and smarter. That you can count on! After parting ways with my carpool buddies, I went on home to carve pumpkins with my kids and play in the afternoon sun. Mom would be proud.
Out of the gate, I fall back quickly as usual. I watched the others dissappear quite methodically. I have been a competitor all my life in sports such as volleyball, basketball, track and softball. I used to get so damn nervous before games and races that I couldn't eat for an entire day. I used to expect more out of myself than anyone dare to know. That lead me to always performing sub-par. My life now is hectic and stressful with 2 children, 3 dogs, a 25 acre plot of land, an ailing father and 3 businesses to work and manage. I lost my mother 7 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wish she were here to see the baby of the family taking on so much responsibility.
Once again I felt alone with most of the pack ahead of me and a few behind me. I came to the first error in ways and went left when they clearly stated go right. I did stop and ponder a second as Karen, her son and another caught up with me. Not sure why we went left but I was in the lead and they followed. A little ways further and I realized we were running the same damn trail. To me it was no big deal but I felt bad for the ones who followed me. I kinda felt like "Wrong Way Ralph". The extra miles were nice on such a beautiful course on a georgous day.
We ran as a group for awhile and then I am not sure what happened but I fell back from them. Through the creek and out onto the second loop. Here I was again, running alone and falling back into my thoughts. I am not here to win or break any PR. No, not this year, maybe next. I am here because I enjoy the run, the scenery, the people and life. I am here for my children. I am their greatest mentor and my goal is to lead by example. I have attempted the world of soccer, t-ball and basketball with my 3 & 5 year old daughters. I failed miserably as a "soccer mom". I realized that successful, happy people are passionate about what they do and you cannot teach passion. There is plenty of time for my kids to get involved in sports and other activities when they so desire. In the meantime, I want them to see me pursuing my passions while still making plenty of time for them. I want them to see the happiness that following my passions brings to me.
Okay, so enough about that. Here I was feeling like I was in last place and not hearing or seeing anyone else made me remember my #13 and running in a place called Kill Creek. "Hey, Mary Ann!" I looked up to see Karen and her son just as Gary Henry caught up to me. What the heck? Why is he behind me? I met him awhile back when I was on my way out. He was apparently a little confused to come up on me. He ran this loop twice, I guess. He passed me and off into the woods he dissappeared. As I crossed the creek on the way back, I was greeted by Kyle who told me where to go. I felt good now and stepped it up a notch so I could finish strong. Only one problem, I missed the hard right turn and sped on through the woods going the wrong way. "Mary Ann!" I stopped as Karen hollered at me to come back. Thanks to her, I turned around and followed her for awhile. That burst of energy that was to carry me into the finish seemed to have depleted. I am sure it was a mental thing.
I finished none the less but with a longer time than my Sandrat Trail Run. Oops! But I still beat Gary. Not sure how, but I am guessing he didn't have someone like Karen to stop him from running on out to the first loop again. Trail running is new to me as is distance running. I will get better, stronger, faster and smarter. That you can count on! After parting ways with my carpool buddies, I went on home to carve pumpkins with my kids and play in the afternoon sun. Mom would be proud.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Pod Trod 08
Welcome to trail tails and mud more. This is where you can read about my trail running, especially in the mud, adventure racing and mud (much) more. My most recent event entailed an entire weekend at BOW (Becoming an Outdoor Woman) workshop. I will blog about that at a later time this week. First I would like to share a most adventurous race that I participated in on September 21, 2008 at Clinton Lake State Park. It was called a Pod Trod. It is believed to be the first ever race of its kind , anywhere. Correct me if I am wrong and please show your proof.
"What's a Pod Trod?" you ask. Well it is a trail race with a twist. The night before the race you are able to download the instructions of your choice to one of three courses. One is hard, one is moderate and one is easy. However, you do not know which is which. The choices are Mud Babes Revenge, Lumbering Luddite and Clinton Confusion. I chose Mud Babes Revenge, narrated by none other than local celebrity and original mudbabe, Sophia.
At the race; checked in, stretched and prepped for the 5K course, I began to size up the competition. Looks like a bunch of trail nerds hoping to find their way back to the watermelon.
"What's a Pod Trod?" you ask. Well it is a trail race with a twist. The night before the race you are able to download the instructions of your choice to one of three courses. One is hard, one is moderate and one is easy. However, you do not know which is which. The choices are Mud Babes Revenge, Lumbering Luddite and Clinton Confusion. I chose Mud Babes Revenge, narrated by none other than local celebrity and original mudbabe, Sophia.
At the race; checked in, stretched and prepped for the 5K course, I began to size up the competition. Looks like a bunch of trail nerds hoping to find their way back to the watermelon.
With that said, here’s my experience in a nut shell, and I use the word nut because I am sure for anyone who may have witnessed this event with no knowledge of what was going on, probably thought we were nuts, or squirrels looking for nuts.
MUD BABE’S REVENGE: Ready, set, MP3 player on. Everyone stood there for a few seconds and then took off like a bat out of hell. Me, I was not quite in such a hurry, so by the time I made it to the first landmark, Lands End, most people were gone. There were just a few, standing, looking around, not talking and then taking off running, only to stop, come back, and then take off on a different trail. I did the same thing, took off down the wrong trail. You see, when I looked at the lake and turned around as I was told, I could only see three trails…
I decided I better run a little faster and suddenly started meeting people coming back. I tried looking at their bibs to see which races they were running and all three were well represented, so that left me no where for the better. OK, just listen to Sophia, she’ll keep me on track. So I replayed it again to make sure I was going in the right direction. Yep, sounded good, keep going. I’m looking for the man made stairs with the red railing. Where can it be? Ahhhhh, I see it. I’m still the only idiot here doing my own thing. Everyone else must be doing well. OK. I’m stopped on the steps, waiting for Sophia to figure out if it is recording. Yes, Sophia, I can hear you, where to now? Down the steps and what do I see? People, yes, people. Crap, it’s my brother-in-law taking pictures,
OK, so here is where my high school competitive spirit tells me I can’t be last. GO! RUN LIKE HELL!!! Let me remind you, it’s been awhile since high school and my GO doesn’t GO like it did back then. But I sure felt like I was hauling butt, running like a banshee through the woods. I was really beginning to feel like a nerd. So now I’m headed back to Lands End like the directions said. So, I’m still doing my own thing out there on the trail. Alright, Sophia, I’m going to turn you on (MP3 player, that is) before I get to back Lands End. Yea, I’m a rebel. So she tells me when I get to Lands End to turn around and go back down the trail I am on and go about 18 steps. Do I dare turn and go down the red blaze without going all the way up? No, they might have the 2nd bucket up there and besides there is a woman with the camera, she’ll know I didn’t go. So I went up looked for the bucket, made a face for the camera and came back down.
Still by myself, I blazed down red. Ouch! The trail has become a little rocky. No more blazing here so I toned it down a bit. What is that up ahead? Girls. Could it be? Yes, I caught them and then by golly I passed them. Up ahead were more runners. Ah, there is a girl with a very cute baby and a guy standing there looking like a volunteer. So I just I keep running on by them, admiring the baby. Oops, I was supposed to stop there and listen to Sophia. Back to the girl, the baby and the guy and get the next set of directions, which I cannot remember what they were but I went in the right direction, or did I? It was quite hilarious to come up on a group standing there, looking at each other, not talking, concentrating, looking around and then one would take off running.
So along the limestone and shale trail some more and up the hill and there is a group standing around another bucket. I went to get my ticket and WHAT IS THIS??? MBR #1, I have that one and so did another couple there. I turned on the directions again and via a different trail I ran back by the girl, the baby and the guy. OK, where is the stinking fallen down tree? Did I pass it? Yep sure did. Back by the girl, the…., you get the picture. Yep, there it is and time to turn on the directions again. Then Sophia has the gull to tell me to go back to Lands End on the same trail that brought me here. I sttill only have one ticket and as I pass the girl, the baby and the guy I feel like we have become good friends, “Just me again.” I tell them. Was everyone running by them as many times as I was? Will I see them again?
I ran all the way back to Lands End and up the trail we came down to begin the race and up into the clearing. I was really expecting to find another ticket by now. I caught up with a couple of girls and asked them if they were doing MBR and they said yes. They said they had two tickets and I asked them where they got their second ticket and when they told me, I said that was MBR #1 again. When they pulled out their tickets they realized they had 2 #1’s. Oh, here comes the couple I met on the race a few times and they too, only had ticket #1. Alright, I’m oughta here. I’m just want the watermelon. So off I went, running to the finish with one final hurdle. Yes, I said hurdle. I did run hurdles in high school but I was not ready for a droopy foot to catch the bar and slam my face to the ground with the photographer standing there, so I gracefully stepped over the sucker. When I turned in my one ticket, I found out the only person who found all three tickets so far was running without an iPod and returned to the finish line via a different direction. I then proceeded to the watermelon. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
It was a blast and I thoroughly enjoyed. I hope to see many more out there next year and that this may be the beginning of a new type of race. Until next time, have a day!!!
Links to race photos:
http://00673d3.netsolhost.com/photoalbum_index.htm/09-21-08podtrod_bat/index.htm
http://00673d3.netsolhost.com/photoalbum_index.htm/09-21-08trodpod_dave/index.htm
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